Adventures In Modern Marketing

The Great Internet Marketing Guru takes a few questions and concerns from his clients.

Let’s listen in:

“My internet ad campaign was a total wash. I ended up taking a bath and nobody even visited my site!”

“Did you put boobs all over it like I told you to?”

“No, I thought that was too superficial and sensationalistic.”

“And that would be why you failed. You forgot your audience is nothing but superficial and craves sensationalism.”

“So what do I now?”

“Take a picture of your penis and put it on Craigslist.”

“Okay … but what is that gonna help?”

“Nothing. I just want you to relive the shame of former roommates of mine.”

***

“I saw this ad making a claim I shouldn’t buy a product. Should I believe it?”

“Of course! Ads were created to tell you what not to buy, not what to buy. So when an ad tells you to buy something, you know it’s fake because they are trying to advertise to you. But when an ad tells you not to buy something, you know it’s real because they are not advertising to you.”

“Wait … what?”

***

“So I got all these people reading my blog about tech and travel but I want to use my blog audience to expand my business promotions as well. How can I retool my blog without loosing readers?”

“It’s easy: Dramatically announce you will be leaving the blog, probably the whole Internet, forever. Send that out and then wait a few days, then come back with some false tale of woe and then start selling hub caps and spark plugs off your blog-doohickey.”

“That really works?”

“Oh yeah, totally! People usually use it to switch from catatonic to mildly psychotic instead of non-monetized to monetized, but all blogging is pretty much the same thing.”

***

“I was thinking of opening up a singles dating service online and…”

“Get the hell out of my office.”

***

“I heard that Twitter was the new tool for marketing professionals with the hottest and latest ideas.”

“Who told you that?”

“That guy in the rabbit suit trying to give out fliers.”

***

“Someone told me you could market products on Facebook more effectively than using banner services.”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘market.’ If by that you mean annoy people and be ignored, then yes it is very effective.”

***

“I bought up all my domain names and registered on every social network that exists. Is there anything else I should do before I set out to rule the digital landscape?”

“Yes. Hire a mafia. You are late to the game, the only way you’ll get any traction now is to break kneecaps and go gangsta on Google.”

***

Thus concludes another session of ultimate wisdom from The Great Internet Marketing Guru.

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The Last Honest Salesman in America

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2008-03-19-manWhat happened just now in America?

Was anyone else paying attention, or was it just me?

The last thing we need these days are people running a fast game and rolling out the carpet of corporate lies for anyone put in front of them.

What we need is an army of intelligent and savvy business people who can stand behind what they do and not become fast talking cheats.

1.used-car-salesmanI stand here in a world of sales and marketing to tell you that certain people push you toward something you don’t really want and all they really see when they look at you is a big dollar sign with feet.

We are not all this way. And I would like to say I’m proud to tear myself from the mold and stand on my own two feet of integrity.

There is still many things that I don’t do, that I could to help others out in their sales endeavors, that might be an ultimate factor in proving just how I am playing the sales game over here. But holding onto trade secrets and keeping things from rebounding back to the office is hardly the same thing and trying to get you to buy something you don’t really want or need.

I stand here the Last Honest Salesman in America. And when you deal with me you deal with the truth.

Dispelling the Myths of ‘Secret Societies’

Whatever ‘facts’ and ‘patterns’ that conspiracy theorists claim to see in global economic and political events the burden of proof remains on the people presenting this idea to the public. Every logical retort and request for scientific evidence of an active ‘secret assembly’ between geopolitical leaders across the world and markets is met with vague facts and illogical responses. The method of debunking this is, in view, best done with an example of how easy it is to fabricate these myths by creating my own:

:: The Creed ::

The Creed are as old as human history. They met in secret to agree on principals and social standards at the beginning of every human society; their numbers dictated by bloodline. Every person you see today in the media or in politics belongs to the Creed. They set the standards of speech, manners and ethics in every society. They make history and all political movements out of there desires and whims, on any given day.

The Creed is sworn to silence over this. They will never admit that when you didn’t hear them speak that they were speaking with another of the Creed. You can’t get any journalist nor academic nor politician to ever admit to the truth of the Creed.

Only the just and righteous common man, like myself, may bring you this ultimate truth. Only we the repressed and abandoned by our tyrannical government could possibly know this truth and accept it into our beings.

::::::::::::::::::::::

However, I am not without realization of what this means to present this idea to someone who has already invested themselves into these theories and possibly even money into the entire conspiracy. I am essentially saying that they were duped.

This no doubt stings and makes some rationale toward a person being defensive. But the fact remains that any person subscribing to this illogical thinking is being mislead by members of a ’creed’ that makes money from drumming up people’s fears about government.

Let there increased profits in this atmosphere of political hate burn their fingertips.

There is no need to plant a ‘crisis garden’ or build a ‘fallout shelter’ now, than there ever was in any previous scare-tactic campaign. These groups seek to use the use of non-hybridized seed cultures as political tool but it is simply fact that non-modified food is better than modified. It has nothing to do with anything except food quality.

In conclusion, while figures like George Noory of Coast to Coast AM support the theory of a New World Order Conspiracy with dignity and respect the majority of the proponents are hostile, illogical men like Alex Jones. The Anti-Obama partisan Jerome Corsi and Jones tried to get Noory to denounce the presidency of Barack Obama on air. They were rightly rebuffed in this attempt to demean the career of George Noory with their disrespectful lies. By ignoring the issue the mass media only allows the whole matter to get out of hand. I would like to see a deep exposé on both Jerome Corsi and Alex Jones done by a reputable news agency.