Christmas Is Canceled: Dick Cheney Shoots Santa In The Face

Ken Kupchik has tickled my funny bone…

Air America really? section:

Mclean Police Department McLean, VA

Incident Report # 9005217                                                                                                                                              Report Entered: 12/17/2009     21:13:34 _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Date/Time Reported            Location                                       Apt/Unit# 12/17/2009                            Halliburton Hunting Campus           n/a

Incident Type/Offense              Date/Time Occurred First Degree Assault S53              12/17/2009    12:01:19

Reporting Officer                                    Approving Officer \

Leahy, Ryan (467)                                    Clymer, Harold (213)                                                           _____________________________________________________________________________________________   Persons

Role           Name                      Sex      Race          Age     DOB           Phone     Address Witness       Blitzen                    Male     Reindeer     n/a      n/a             n/a         North Pole           _____________________________________________________________________________________________    Offenders

Status       Name                      Sex      Race          Age     DOB           Phone          Address Defendant  Cheney, Richard        M         Cauc           68       1/30/1941  n/a               McLean, VA         _____________________________________________________________________________________________             Narrative

On Thursday December 17, 2009, Richard Cheney, of McLean, VA was placed under arrest at the Halliburton Hunting Area after being observed discharging a rifle directly at another individual, victim Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). The perp claims he was hunting for caged quail. These actions on behalf of Cheney served no legitimate purpose and caused harm to an unarmed citizen.

On the above time and date, I was on uniformed duty in an unmarked police cruiser assigned to the Administration Section, working from 7:00-3:00 AM. I overheard a broadcast for a possible shooting and due to my proximity, responded.

When I arrived, I observed a portly man in a red suit with a thick white beard laying on the ground holding the side of his face with his hands. He said, “oh, oh, oh.” I observed Cheney standing in the distance holding what appeared to be a shotgun close to his body. I ordered him to drop the weapon and proceeded to place him in handcuffs for everyone’s safety. During this time, I observed reindeer tied to a sled attempting to hurt Cheney as he sneered and made faces at them. For his own safety I placed Cheney in my cruiser.

After requesting ambulance service for the victim, I began questioning the reindeer as to what happened. Blitzen appeared to take the initiative in explaining the situation. He said that Claus had taken the reindeer out for a test run before the holidays, and while passing through the area doing a low flying maneuver, they heard gunshots, and the sleigh-driver (Claus) was hit. When asked if they heard any warnings before the shots, Rudolph said that he had been “lighting the slay tonight” and was clearly visible. He said that before the shots he heard Cheney clearly yell, “Hey that’s a human, shoot him.”

I attempted to question Cheney about the attack, but he refused to answer any questions about someone named “Valerie Plame,” appearing confused and defiant. After a brief consultation with Sgt. Clymer, I transported Cheney to Redwood Police Station in a police cruiser where he was booked and processed by Off. C. Sheehan.

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Rush Limbaugh is Dr. Evil

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rush_limbaugh_operation_chaos_cigar

The Radio Comedian Rush Limbaugh is best understood as a real-life version of the character Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies.

Plotting and scheming in some ceramic bunker with his inner-circle of minions, his many Snurgly clones of course, gathered round to hear his daily machinations delivered via flashy jumpsuit!

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In The Comedian’s case the issue is just to constantly stay in the news and stay relevant to someone, somewhere.

A lot of people seem to think we need an Anti-Limbaugh, or an Austin Powers, to appear and vanquish this foe. I think that Dr. Evil’s Empire falls apart when people start catching on to his game.

It’s all a house of cards of his own making. His own minions would throw him away if he ever had a level-headed view of anything to do with President Obama. The jackals would consume their master in a heartbeat if he stepped off his “ordained path” even in the slightest.

So Dr. Evil plays his game and works his magic, but when people can see the same of tired bag of tricks again and again they tend to catch on.

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“Pet my Snurgly! Pet him!”

Harry Shearer Dies Horribly in Manure Spreader Accident

Harry “too-cool-for Julius” Shearer was taken in a surprisingly mundane gardening accident involving only a baby-carriage and a manure-spreader. Authorities remain baffled.

In his interview just prior to this incredible incident [Coast to Coast AM, 12/19/08] he reflected that he may write a piece for Huffington Post regarding the difference of the days after November 4th 2000 and the days we reside within now after November 4th 2008.

He shared that the presidential transition period in 2000 seemed to happen in a blur of political and legal commotion while this transition was akin to slowing pulling off a band-aid in slow motion. Please read him in his own words by visiting The Huffington Post website.

I wanted to share what someone who only just barely able to vote against Bush in 2000 as I turned 18.

To me the entire period of time with the Supreme Court handling the Gore case and until Gore conceded the election was like a strange time bubble.

At first I wanted Gore’s case to voiced and heard in the Court but as time went on and there was no physical evidence being produced I became more and interested in just having a President already. I didn’t want Bush but in my mind at the time having a leaving lame-duck Clinton Presidency and a large question mark as to who will be sworn in left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

All the news media chatter on both sides back then didn’t help me escape this time bubble of anticipation.

It is not as bad in terms of the Supreme Court has dismissed the cases against President-elect Obama and there is no giant question mark for everyone either.

But I still feel that same space-time this time coming from our lame-duck President Bush and his non-stance on the auto bailout after pressing so heavily for the bank bailout is proving that he still doesn’t get it even after eight years.

It’s called salient hypocrisy.

Eric Lightborn
https://ericlightborn.wordpress.com
December 19th 2008