Just Call Me Dr. Love Cakes

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Barry White’s ghost gets jealous when we talk on the phone.

He says my voice is too low and sexy for him to listen for
long without a cold shower. Maybe two.

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Any time Dr. Love Song calls you must pick up the phone.

Ladies, you know who you are, no games now that school is in session.

Alright we have taken care of the two essential points to understand: first that I am too sexy so you can’t have it, stop asking, and second that women everywhere have to stop everything they are doing and listen to me like the words are gospel.

On to the business of the day:

Can it work for men and women to be just friends, and can a friendship survive an attempt at romance?

Oh Dr. Love Beats don’t play around so listen up while I crank that dial.

First we got sexy friends and how they don’t end up pants down with feet kicked up the second the doors closed behind them. It’s all about just what this person is to you and how you act around each other.

If you act like brother and sister, even if neither of you thinks of it like that, then no harm can come of it but keep in mind now that this means things like that person could come walking out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel, their birthday suit and a single lifestyle for both of you but you still are not on the hubba-hubba-hubba train.

Never really know something like that until you test it and it’s not recommended to test that one out wildly.

Good friends the answer is: yes. Just people you know barely well enough to call friends probably not, and if anyone is spending a lot of time away from their honey to be with someone they barely could call a “bestie” then it probably means they are in the process of checking out of the relationship but of course every situation has unique factors.

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Then we have sexy, long-time friends trying to figure out if kicking the romance tree will drop poisonous snakes on our heads or maybe rain a bounty of delicious apples.

That is a very tricky one and where the romance is so easily sucked out of the room like a giant vacuum cleaner set to the no-sex-in-the-champagne-room setting just got turned on every time it comes up.

First you have to think yourself out and if the friendship gets permanently threatened in your head by something like cheating or dishonesty then this not a friend that is solid enough to consider this for.

Nobody said it was easy but adults actually manage to handle these big feelings in mature fashions, but that’s where the romance dies and rots in the corner of the room.

You can’t really take it forward with a friend without risking the friendship unless you can be sure they also share in a policy of time apart healing wounds, in so far as being civil with the next man or whatever the situation might be.

That means talking it out, which is great for couples to keep open lines of communications but is doing it ass backwards if you are trying to pitch some woo.

So the answers to today’s life questions are: yes if you’re good and close friends who know limits, and nobody ever won the love game without taking a gamble but at the same time dumb bets never break the bank.

Some parting words for the men of the audience before Dr. Love Cakes retires for the evening to my silk bedding and multiple wives.

Never met a woman yet that I had a worth talking about relationship with that didn’t try and push me away in one form or another. But if you already got that figured think on this one: don’t become that overly pushy guy or she’s going to push you right out the door one day.

When they say “space” or “time” or just ignore your fucking txts / calls then stop fucking bugging them for awhile even if that girl has you so in a twist right now.

You can man it up for a few days, don’t give me this shit about how you just had to do the million calls thing.

If she wants it and you want it and she knows it, all the stuff is as set as it gets without you there to fuel that fire like we love to do.

So go do something else for awhile before you make that poor woman break her phone against the wall.

Adventures In Modern Marketing

The Great Internet Marketing Guru takes a few questions and concerns from his clients.

Let’s listen in:

“My internet ad campaign was a total wash. I ended up taking a bath and nobody even visited my site!”

“Did you put boobs all over it like I told you to?”

“No, I thought that was too superficial and sensationalistic.”

“And that would be why you failed. You forgot your audience is nothing but superficial and craves sensationalism.”

“So what do I now?”

“Take a picture of your penis and put it on Craigslist.”

“Okay … but what is that gonna help?”

“Nothing. I just want you to relive the shame of former roommates of mine.”

***

“I saw this ad making a claim I shouldn’t buy a product. Should I believe it?”

“Of course! Ads were created to tell you what not to buy, not what to buy. So when an ad tells you to buy something, you know it’s fake because they are trying to advertise to you. But when an ad tells you not to buy something, you know it’s real because they are not advertising to you.”

“Wait … what?”

***

“So I got all these people reading my blog about tech and travel but I want to use my blog audience to expand my business promotions as well. How can I retool my blog without loosing readers?”

“It’s easy: Dramatically announce you will be leaving the blog, probably the whole Internet, forever. Send that out and then wait a few days, then come back with some false tale of woe and then start selling hub caps and spark plugs off your blog-doohickey.”

“That really works?”

“Oh yeah, totally! People usually use it to switch from catatonic to mildly psychotic instead of non-monetized to monetized, but all blogging is pretty much the same thing.”

***

“I was thinking of opening up a singles dating service online and…”

“Get the hell out of my office.”

***

“I heard that Twitter was the new tool for marketing professionals with the hottest and latest ideas.”

“Who told you that?”

“That guy in the rabbit suit trying to give out fliers.”

***

“Someone told me you could market products on Facebook more effectively than using banner services.”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘market.’ If by that you mean annoy people and be ignored, then yes it is very effective.”

***

“I bought up all my domain names and registered on every social network that exists. Is there anything else I should do before I set out to rule the digital landscape?”

“Yes. Hire a mafia. You are late to the game, the only way you’ll get any traction now is to break kneecaps and go gangsta on Google.”

***

Thus concludes another session of ultimate wisdom from The Great Internet Marketing Guru.

Christmas Is Canceled: Dick Cheney Shoots Santa In The Face

Ken Kupchik has tickled my funny bone…

Air America really? section:

Mclean Police Department McLean, VA

Incident Report # 9005217                                                                                                                                              Report Entered: 12/17/2009     21:13:34 _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Date/Time Reported            Location                                       Apt/Unit# 12/17/2009                            Halliburton Hunting Campus           n/a

Incident Type/Offense              Date/Time Occurred First Degree Assault S53              12/17/2009    12:01:19

Reporting Officer                                    Approving Officer \

Leahy, Ryan (467)                                    Clymer, Harold (213)                                                           _____________________________________________________________________________________________   Persons

Role           Name                      Sex      Race          Age     DOB           Phone     Address Witness       Blitzen                    Male     Reindeer     n/a      n/a             n/a         North Pole           _____________________________________________________________________________________________    Offenders

Status       Name                      Sex      Race          Age     DOB           Phone          Address Defendant  Cheney, Richard        M         Cauc           68       1/30/1941  n/a               McLean, VA         _____________________________________________________________________________________________             Narrative

On Thursday December 17, 2009, Richard Cheney, of McLean, VA was placed under arrest at the Halliburton Hunting Area after being observed discharging a rifle directly at another individual, victim Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). The perp claims he was hunting for caged quail. These actions on behalf of Cheney served no legitimate purpose and caused harm to an unarmed citizen.

On the above time and date, I was on uniformed duty in an unmarked police cruiser assigned to the Administration Section, working from 7:00-3:00 AM. I overheard a broadcast for a possible shooting and due to my proximity, responded.

When I arrived, I observed a portly man in a red suit with a thick white beard laying on the ground holding the side of his face with his hands. He said, “oh, oh, oh.” I observed Cheney standing in the distance holding what appeared to be a shotgun close to his body. I ordered him to drop the weapon and proceeded to place him in handcuffs for everyone’s safety. During this time, I observed reindeer tied to a sled attempting to hurt Cheney as he sneered and made faces at them. For his own safety I placed Cheney in my cruiser.

After requesting ambulance service for the victim, I began questioning the reindeer as to what happened. Blitzen appeared to take the initiative in explaining the situation. He said that Claus had taken the reindeer out for a test run before the holidays, and while passing through the area doing a low flying maneuver, they heard gunshots, and the sleigh-driver (Claus) was hit. When asked if they heard any warnings before the shots, Rudolph said that he had been “lighting the slay tonight” and was clearly visible. He said that before the shots he heard Cheney clearly yell, “Hey that’s a human, shoot him.”

I attempted to question Cheney about the attack, but he refused to answer any questions about someone named “Valerie Plame,” appearing confused and defiant. After a brief consultation with Sgt. Clymer, I transported Cheney to Redwood Police Station in a police cruiser where he was booked and processed by Off. C. Sheehan.

Rush Limbaugh is Dr. Evil

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The Radio Comedian Rush Limbaugh is best understood as a real-life version of the character Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies.

Plotting and scheming in some ceramic bunker with his inner-circle of minions, his many Snurgly clones of course, gathered round to hear his daily machinations delivered via flashy jumpsuit!

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In The Comedian’s case the issue is just to constantly stay in the news and stay relevant to someone, somewhere.

A lot of people seem to think we need an Anti-Limbaugh, or an Austin Powers, to appear and vanquish this foe. I think that Dr. Evil’s Empire falls apart when people start catching on to his game.

It’s all a house of cards of his own making. His own minions would throw him away if he ever had a level-headed view of anything to do with President Obama. The jackals would consume their master in a heartbeat if he stepped off his “ordained path” even in the slightest.

So Dr. Evil plays his game and works his magic, but when people can see the same of tired bag of tricks again and again they tend to catch on.

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“Pet my Snurgly! Pet him!”