Christmas Is Canceled: Dick Cheney Shoots Santa In The Face

Ken Kupchik has tickled my funny bone…

Air America really? section:

Mclean Police Department McLean, VA

Incident Report # 9005217                                                                                                                                              Report Entered: 12/17/2009     21:13:34 _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Date/Time Reported            Location                                       Apt/Unit# 12/17/2009                            Halliburton Hunting Campus           n/a

Incident Type/Offense              Date/Time Occurred First Degree Assault S53              12/17/2009    12:01:19

Reporting Officer                                    Approving Officer \

Leahy, Ryan (467)                                    Clymer, Harold (213)                                                           _____________________________________________________________________________________________   Persons

Role           Name                      Sex      Race          Age     DOB           Phone     Address Witness       Blitzen                    Male     Reindeer     n/a      n/a             n/a         North Pole           _____________________________________________________________________________________________    Offenders

Status       Name                      Sex      Race          Age     DOB           Phone          Address Defendant  Cheney, Richard        M         Cauc           68       1/30/1941  n/a               McLean, VA         _____________________________________________________________________________________________             Narrative

On Thursday December 17, 2009, Richard Cheney, of McLean, VA was placed under arrest at the Halliburton Hunting Area after being observed discharging a rifle directly at another individual, victim Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). The perp claims he was hunting for caged quail. These actions on behalf of Cheney served no legitimate purpose and caused harm to an unarmed citizen.

On the above time and date, I was on uniformed duty in an unmarked police cruiser assigned to the Administration Section, working from 7:00-3:00 AM. I overheard a broadcast for a possible shooting and due to my proximity, responded.

When I arrived, I observed a portly man in a red suit with a thick white beard laying on the ground holding the side of his face with his hands. He said, “oh, oh, oh.” I observed Cheney standing in the distance holding what appeared to be a shotgun close to his body. I ordered him to drop the weapon and proceeded to place him in handcuffs for everyone’s safety. During this time, I observed reindeer tied to a sled attempting to hurt Cheney as he sneered and made faces at them. For his own safety I placed Cheney in my cruiser.

After requesting ambulance service for the victim, I began questioning the reindeer as to what happened. Blitzen appeared to take the initiative in explaining the situation. He said that Claus had taken the reindeer out for a test run before the holidays, and while passing through the area doing a low flying maneuver, they heard gunshots, and the sleigh-driver (Claus) was hit. When asked if they heard any warnings before the shots, Rudolph said that he had been “lighting the slay tonight” and was clearly visible. He said that before the shots he heard Cheney clearly yell, “Hey that’s a human, shoot him.”

I attempted to question Cheney about the attack, but he refused to answer any questions about someone named “Valerie Plame,” appearing confused and defiant. After a brief consultation with Sgt. Clymer, I transported Cheney to Redwood Police Station in a police cruiser where he was booked and processed by Off. C. Sheehan.

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